Quito's Been Neato: Things We've Learned

For my final entry from Ecuador, I’d like to show you EXACTLY what I came here for: an education. This wasn’t quite the education you’d expect me to get on a trip where the key was an intensive study of the Spanish language, though. No, this trip became much, much more than that, and towards the end, it was way more about experiencing, learning, and trying to navigate the crazy Ecuadorian culture than it ever was about learning Spanish. Presenting: 90 Things We Learned in Ecuador, written mostly by Lisa Brown but with a few key points added by me.

1. Being an island must not be a requirement to be on island time. Ecuador is on island time, yet it is not an island. When someone says they’re just arriving…it means they’re just leaving their house.
2. “Corn Flakes” is a term used to refer to any brand of cereal.
3. Guinea pigs are not pets.
4. When people on the street don’t know the answer to one of your questions, they will make one up. They think they’re being helpful.
5. The bigger the bottle of water, the less expensive it gets. A regular sized water bottle is usually about $1.25. Upgrade to a 2 liter and it’s $0.60.
6. The best way to make people smile is to put a group of gringos on the chiva (the party trolley of quito), give them canelazo (a warm, cinnamon, fruity liquor), whistles, and a mariachi band (that never practices) and let them dance and wave obnoxiously. The locals eat it up.
7. There are not conejos en la playa. There are cangrejos.
8. You only need a few adjectives in Quito: Chévere, lindo, rico, and tranquilo.
9. If you see a guy in the middle of the street dressed in a yellow-green NASCAR pit crew outfit, they’re selling chips for your phone.
10. Senora Lutz is the best Spanish teacher any of us could ask for.
11. When biking down the largest active volcano in South America, and the first thing your guide tells you is not to race because the path is rocky, steep, and dangerous enough as it is…you probably should bow to his expertise.
12. Safety is far from being a priority here.
13. Don’t pay $40 for a soccer jersey you can get for $5 on the street.
14. When you think you’re going to the center of the world…you’re not. There is the tourist attraction that they thought was correct, until they used GPS to determine that this huge, widely celebrated monument is actually about 200 yards south of the actual equator.
15. On the equator, an egg will balance on its tip without falling over.
16. Here, we play soccer on dirt and volleyball on concrete. There will be blood.
17. Alfalfa juice is not good.
18. If someone asks you if you want to go to a pachanga, say yes. No one parties like the locals…with their boxed peach wine and 20 min songs to which you can only dance a 2 step.
19. If you have a box of wine at a pachanga, you are the most popular person there…and probably the most drunk. The indigenous will always always always respond with “you first” when you offer them a drink. And when you finish the box and no longer want to be a designated pourer, just put the box on the ground. If you try to ask someone where to put the empty box, they will return with a full one for you.
20. Car alarms here are possessed. They go off for no apparent reason at any hour of the day or night. Especially the night.
21. When you don’t want your professor to hear you say something…don’t say it in Spanish. Especially when you can speak a language that they can’t.
22. On that note, the professors here do not understand the word ‘game.’ A game has points, winners, losers, objectives, and it’s fun. Conjugating verbs is not a game. And it is not fun.
23. Rolling around on the floor, rocking back and forth whipping your competition’s butt with a rag until someone gives in, however, is a game according to the indigenous people of Otavalo.
24. If you don’t like a certain kind of food, politely tell someone. Otherwise they will be under the misconception that you like it and want it all the time. And then you won’t have the heart to tell them that you have been eating something you hate for weeks.
25. At the end of a taxi ride, if the driver tries to charge you too much, just say no…give him what you think it ought to cost…and walk away. Its chevere.
26. A red light means about as much as the lines on the road (if there are any)…nothing. A red light is more of a suggestion.
27. You can make anything out of alpaca.
28. Chupitos means shots. And they’re $1.50. Sometimes $.50. And when you’re friends with the bartenders, they’ll give you a free shot of whipped cream after you take your shot. Or if you’re a regular they’ll squirt it right into you’re mouth.
29. Date a bartender and he’ll give you a free drink and dessert.
30. Make friends with the owners of the bars and they’ll give you free drinks all night.
31. Don’t trade your phone and camera for a taxi ride. It’s not worth it.
32. Add –ito to everything if you’re in Quito.
33. If someone’s from the coast, they don’t use the letter ‘s’. BEWARE…they’ll talk so fast though that you can’t really distinguish the other letters either.
34. Drawing pictures is sometimes more effective than making up words.
35. Indigenous people don’t look at you when they dance.
36. No one actually says adios. Its chau.
37. Ecuadorian men have a 30 yard gringa radar. If you make eye contact, it’s an invitation. Don’t look at them.
38. Ssst sst ssst is an Ecuadorian mating call.
39. If you put in headphones to ignore them, they just increase the volume.
40. Blowing cigarette smoke in the eyes is a remedy for pepper spray.
41. Rice and soup go well with everything. Mayonnaise does not.
42. Δ=A
43. The police are corrupt.
44. Similarly, you can pay your way out of anything.
45. If you can juggle or breathe fire, you have permission to stand in the middle of the street. Free entertainment.
46. If you give .25 to the regular juggler, you better give .75 to the guy on the giant unicycle juggling knives. He’s way ballsier.
47. There is no word for “creeper.”
48. If you say diecitres or cincocincuentos, they will understand you but secretly laugh at you.
49. Being racist is okay. Especially if you’re a local fast food chain.
50. KFC is the McDonalds of other countries.
51. If you’re driving and hit a car, just keep going. No hay problema.
52. Pedestrians NEVER have the right of way.
53. Pillete- scamp, little rogue, or street arab. Racist?
54. Ito- affection, diminutive, politically correct. Or on the bus, it means you still have to pay 25 cents for the gum, but you don’t have to feel like you’re spending so much.
55. To celebrate a goal at a Liga game, it’s best to send your first born child to climb a barbed wire fence and rock it back and forth while you set off flares and your fellow aficionados run suicides up and down the stands.
56. Policies be damned. If you want to see your president make international news, have him bump ‘n’ grind with some scantily clad jovenes in the discoteca, per the example of former Ecuadorian president, Abdala Bucharem. (link to video)
57. Cayambe is the bizcocho capital of the world.
58. Spanish texting is a whole new language. Xfa= por favor. Q=que. And they usually don’t finish their words. The last few letters are often forgotten.
59. There are sooo many phrases in English that DO NOT TRANSLATE, for example, “On the other hand” and “Friends with benefits.”
60. There are also a lot of words that mean the same thing in English but require differing words in Spanish, like Ser, Estar, and Haber.
61. There are quite a few words that are commonly used in Spanish…but use them in English and you’ll get weird looks.
a. Además (furthermore)
b. Sin embargo (nevertheless)
c. Tal vez (perhaps)
d. Así (thus)
62. Verbs used often: pudiera, quisiera, decir, saber, (imp subj + cond), personal pronouns, mandatos (ven aquí, ayúdame, jódete, déjame).
63. Verbs used never: sugerir, anything vosotros, future tense (just use voy + inf)
64. Here they don’t know the difference between Idaho and Ohio. And no matter how many times you tell them that Ohio is not the land of the potatoes, they won’t remember.
65. Try not to say no to new experiences…unless you’re drunk. Then do everything you can to say no.
66. Latin Americans LOVE to dance. Always. Gringos provide a source of entertainment for them.
67. Nunca hay problema. Tranquila.
68. ¡SIGABITCHES!
69. If there’s a party in Isabela, the town will shut down and all 2000 people will be in attendance. Shirtless and barefoot is always acceptable.
70. Taxis have more of a right-of-way here than anyone. Taxis can get anywhere, but no one will budge for a police vehicle with flashing lights.
71. After 5 p.m. if it’s still fairly light outside just walk wherever you want to go. Traffic is so bad that it’s faster to walk. Plus you won’t be able to find a taxi.
72. Beber- bebidas como jugo, agua, café, etc
Tomar- bebidas alcohólicas
73. When you try to pack at 5:30 am, while still drunk, to be at the airport at 6, you may end up packing things like winter coats. You do not need a winter coat in the Galapagos.
74. Milk and juice come warm. And often in bags.
75. You will see the same people all over the country when you least expect it. It’s a small world.
76. The first 10 seconds of a cold shower is always a shock, but you get used to it.
77. @ on a Spanish keyboard can only be achieved using a combination of keystrokes that don’t involve SHIFT.
78. Having a $5 means you’re rich. If you have a $20 bill, you might as well be broke.
79. Ahora doesn’t mean now. It’s more like “in a bit.” Ahorita means now.
80. Lisa means smooth.
81. Juan Leon Mera wrote the National Anthem. But it has 6 versus so people only ever sing the chorus.
82. I’ve concluded that I’d rather just have no internet at all than have internet that hardly works.
83. If you don’t have enough people to play futbol in the park, go anyway. Ecuas are always looking for a game. It’s more fun to play with them anyway.
84. Pirated DVD’s don’t always work. But for $1.50 you might as well risk it. You can’t even rent it that cheap in the US. Maybe you shouldn’t chance it by buying 89 though.
85. Latino guys have got it figured out. They can kiss girls all the time and use the culture as an excuse. It’s like a million Ecuadorian Bob Barkers running around.
86. They use the subjuntivo all the time here. But if you ask them about it, they have no idea what you’re talking about.
87. Many Ecuas speak more English than they let on. And even when they don’t speak English, they’ll know you’re talking about them. And they all understand ‘f***’.
88. If pitchers at a bar are too expensive, just tell the owner he can make more money by lowering the prices of beer and upping the price of mixed drinks. A guy is going to buy a girl a drink no matter what it costs, but if the beer is too expensive, chau.
89. If you want to make a quick buck, you can work in an Ecuador strip club. You don’t even have to be pretty.
90. This place is awesome.

Signing off from Ecuador,
Andy

P.S. Make sure you check out yesterday’s post, which is the last full post from Ecuador. Just saying.